my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
