Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
