Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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