you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
