Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
