i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I want her autograph on my taint
So squirting runs in the family.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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