YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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