My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Randomize
