At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
