Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
