Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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