Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
