I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
