he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
