Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
