I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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