remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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