if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
