i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
