I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
