if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
