I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
