Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
