I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
