I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
