Your face is a jimmy john
it's like iHOP with fire
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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