i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
