I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
