Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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