The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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