Sry I called you an 8
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
