Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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