I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
It's Friday. Sex?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
