Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
