If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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