and you said cock pushups were impossible
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
