i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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