sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm just crazy horny about you
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
