this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
