fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
