I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
