No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
