i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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