He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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