I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
