i just wanna soil my oats bro
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
