Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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