yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
