My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
