My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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