I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
