He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
