I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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