You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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