Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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