So drunk its hurt
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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