I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
