Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
